Undoctored by Kay Adam

Author:Kay, Adam [Kay, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Autobiography, Memoirs, Medical (Incl. Patients), Humor
ISBN: 9781398700406
Publisher: Hachette UK
Published: 2022-09-14T14:00:00+00:00

* * *

* I didn’t though, did I? I had my cox and ate it.

* ‘So you brought your scales to the airport?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Where they weigh your luggage for you anyway?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And in your case, a good, what, kilogram of that weight is now scales?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Cool …’

* I had a brief flirtation with a drug called Orlistat, which works by fucking with an enzyme called lipase. Lipase’s day job is to hang around in your small intestine looking for any fat that you’ve just eaten, break it down into bite-sized molecules that your body can absorb and then store any excess in your waistline. No lipase means no fat absorption means no fat deposits. I ordered myself a crate of it on the internet (anonymously, obviously).

I was out at dinner and ordered French onion soup topped with enough cheese for a decent-sized fondue, followed by an Orlistat chaser to mop up all the horrible fat. I hadn’t entirely thought through the physics of it – the cheese still had to go somewhere and, in the absence of being absorbed in the traditional way, it continued heading south, using my gastrointestinal tract like a water flume. The medical term is ‘faecal urgency’. Urgency doesn’t quite cover it. Faecal panic might be closer. Followed by faecal horror, as I ran to the bathroom while 300g of emulsified cheddar slurped down my leg via my jibbering rectum.

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